...........

I could not ask for more, amazing. Love love love her.

Museum of Natural History

A few weeks back my mom, step dad and I took Lily to the Museum of Natural History in LA, it was a ton of fun and Lily posed for pictures by practically everything. I forgot how much fun places like museums can be; for being 4 years old she really is interested in a lot of things.. music, ballet, you name it.

Lots of pictures to share:

Lily digging for fake fossils


posing by some sea lions
skeleton of a blue whale.. crazy!
looking at more fossils and bones
animal pelts
she loved this old mickey mouse

Lily's first day @ school!

Lily's first day of kindergarten rapidly approached; i made sure we had all the necessities so we were completely prepared. She got tons of new clothes, shoes, school supplies, backpack (Paul Frank by her choice), hello kitty thermos and lunch bag; she was really excited but didn't fully grasp the idea of what was going on yet. Weeks prior to school I would talk about it and hype it up so that she wouldn't be scared of being there without me or her grandma; I was so surprised with how well she actually did. I had a moment where I wanted to tear up; but I stopped myself from doing so because I could tell she was a little overwhelmed (thought I better save that for myself after class). Her teachers name is Mrs. Curtis and Lily likes her a lot; I took 3 days off from work so that I could be there for her and it was so nice to be able to walk her to and from school and hear her tell me all about her day. Its sad to see her growing up so fast, but really amazing to see her develop into her own little person full of opinions and personality; she really does make my life better.

Lost...

No.. this isnt a blog about the T.V. show lost.. its about me!

This has been a super challenging year and a half for me, I dont even know where to begin. Saying I am lost could barely come close to summing up what I've felt like, it's so easy to look back and reflect on everything and think about what I could have done differently or why things didn't go the way I planned, but where is that going to get me? I don't want to wallow in self pitty and depression anymore, I've been missing so much because all I could do was focus on the bad and not look forward to the good. So.. I've made a promise to myself, a promise to finally get where I need to be. First off, and probably the most important to me is to start going to church again, I'm saddened when I think about the last time I actually went and I cant remember, I have a lot of things to repair with god because the one thing I do need most in my life I have severley neglected during my trials of the past few years, I totally lost my faith and its something I was never proud of. So, I plan on spending a lot more time reading my bible and finding a new church to go to, Lily definitely needs it, we need it, especially right now because the world just seems to be pulling us down easier and easier and I want her to know God. Secondly.. school.. I started a long time ago, but I didnt finish, this is all going to change, I have 8 or 10 classes left before I can apply and hopefully get accepted into the nursing program which is another 2 years after that; if I choose to go that route in 4 years when I finish school anyhow.. but thats the plan, and I hope to stick to it because I really wanna work with babies, so here's to getting straight A's so I can make this happen. Thirdly.. going out.. hanging out, being in places I shouldn't be, thats going away, I'm over it, its not fun, its not who I am and its not how I want people to view me. Fourthly, more quality time with my baby, she's all I have (aside from obvious immediate family).. she starts school in August so I want to be sure I am there for her and set a good example. So.. I guess this is all my business out in the open.. and the funny thing is, it feels great to say it and know someone may read it. So here's to finding peace within and living life the way I know I should, the way I was raised, and being the best mom I can be and raising my kid to know peace with God too.

Goodnight!

mirrors

Do you ever just stare in the mirror long enough that everything just becomes blurry and you can't quite make out what you are seeing or why it looks that way?

What is love?

So earlier my mom and I were sitting in the living room and I was telling her what Lily told me last night that really made my heart melt. She came and crawled in bed and got in my lap and gave me the biggest hug and told me I was the best mommy in the whole world and she loved me more than anything. So, my mom looks at Lily and tells her that she was so sweet to tell her mommy that and then asked her what she thought love meant. Lily looked up with the biggest smile and said that Love was when you take care of eachother, then she ran and gave us big hugs and said she loved us both so much. Its funny, sometimes I think she knows when I am sad or down, and she knows the perfect things to do or say to make me realize how lucky I am to have such an amazing daughter.

weeds

Sometimes its hard not to be jealous of others and of what you don't have. I know I have a lot and I shouldn't complain, but sometimes all I can do is focus on the things I haven't accomplished or attained and I wonder if I ever will, everyone else seems to have. Maybe I focus too much on what I don't have in my life that I would like and in return that just pushes it further from my grasp. Everyone else just seems so much happier and fullfilled sometimes, and I know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but, when you feel like your grass is nothing but a bunch of weeds and dirt anything else looks a lot better. It makes me sad when people always ask me why I am not married, or if I am seeing anyone, and the answer is always no, or maybe someday, or haven't met the right one. Maybe I am just destined to be alone, just me and Lily, and maybe that is okay but it sucks because I see my family and friends all having these beautiful babies and I wonder if I will ever get to enjoy that again. I know Lily would love a sibling, in the mean time I just have to keep her occupied at Disneyland since thats her new found obsession. I am trying to turn things around, I enrolled back in school and hope to finish that in the next 4 years, things should be better then, at least maybe I can by a house so Lily has an actual backyard to play in and maybe I can get a spare bedroom so mom has a bed instead of the couch (sad I know). Even worse I turn 28 this year and I am starting to feel really old and Lily starts kindergarten soon and she's already needing me less and less. This dark cloud thats been lingering over my head the last year needs to go away....

I guess all I can do is try and breathe and take life one day at a time, but, no matter how much I tell myself things will get better it doesn't ever seem to truly feel realistic.