Sometimes its hard not to be jealous of others and of what you don't have. I know I have a lot and I shouldn't complain, but sometimes all I can do is focus on the things I haven't accomplished or attained and I wonder if I ever will, everyone else seems to have. Maybe I focus too much on what I don't have in my life that I would like and in return that just pushes it further from my grasp. Everyone else just seems so much happier and fullfilled sometimes, and I know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but, when you feel like your grass is nothing but a bunch of weeds and dirt anything else looks a lot better. It makes me sad when people always ask me why I am not married, or if I am seeing anyone, and the answer is always no, or maybe someday, or haven't met the right one. Maybe I am just destined to be alone, just me and Lily, and maybe that is okay but it sucks because I see my family and friends all having these beautiful babies and I wonder if I will ever get to enjoy that again. I know Lily would love a sibling, in the mean time I just have to keep her occupied at Disneyland since thats her new found obsession. I am trying to turn things around, I enrolled back in school and hope to finish that in the next 4 years, things should be better then, at least maybe I can by a house so Lily has an actual backyard to play in and maybe I can get a spare bedroom so mom has a bed instead of the couch (sad I know). Even worse I turn 28 this year and I am starting to feel really old and Lily starts kindergarten soon and she's already needing me less and less. This dark cloud thats been lingering over my head the last year needs to go away....
I guess all I can do is try and breathe and take life one day at a time, but, no matter how much I tell myself things will get better it doesn't ever seem to truly feel realistic.
I know the grass always seems greener. It isn't. Remember what you do have when others do not...I ache for a mother as loyal and loving like yours. Money will never buy me a mother that loves me without passing judgement on who I am. Sure it makes life sugar coated but Unconditional Love seems so much more valuable. Mr Right will arrive soon enough, and you are still soo young...all these dreams will happen, just give it patience my friend.
ReplyDeleteThanks Amber.. I need to work on patience, its really one thing I truly lack in life. I just want life to begin, it seems like I'm stuck in a rutt and thats overwhelming sometimes :)
ReplyDeletei know it's rough. but just b/c you're not married doesn't mean your life has yet to begin. marriage is hard work when you do it right & it's better to take your time to find the right match for yourself & lily then to try & fit a square man into a round hole. ya know? it's not worth the time & effort.
ReplyDeleteBut it's great that your going back to school & doing that for your family. That will only bring happiness.
Maybe you should start going to church?
Sometimes when we feel lost or that life has given us a perpetual black cloud, it's really God saying, "Come."
You have so much to be thankful for.
You can always borrow kyle for a few days to get a taste of the married life! haha!