Lost...

No.. this isnt a blog about the T.V. show lost.. its about me!

This has been a super challenging year and a half for me, I dont even know where to begin. Saying I am lost could barely come close to summing up what I've felt like, it's so easy to look back and reflect on everything and think about what I could have done differently or why things didn't go the way I planned, but where is that going to get me? I don't want to wallow in self pitty and depression anymore, I've been missing so much because all I could do was focus on the bad and not look forward to the good. So.. I've made a promise to myself, a promise to finally get where I need to be. First off, and probably the most important to me is to start going to church again, I'm saddened when I think about the last time I actually went and I cant remember, I have a lot of things to repair with god because the one thing I do need most in my life I have severley neglected during my trials of the past few years, I totally lost my faith and its something I was never proud of. So, I plan on spending a lot more time reading my bible and finding a new church to go to, Lily definitely needs it, we need it, especially right now because the world just seems to be pulling us down easier and easier and I want her to know God. Secondly.. school.. I started a long time ago, but I didnt finish, this is all going to change, I have 8 or 10 classes left before I can apply and hopefully get accepted into the nursing program which is another 2 years after that; if I choose to go that route in 4 years when I finish school anyhow.. but thats the plan, and I hope to stick to it because I really wanna work with babies, so here's to getting straight A's so I can make this happen. Thirdly.. going out.. hanging out, being in places I shouldn't be, thats going away, I'm over it, its not fun, its not who I am and its not how I want people to view me. Fourthly, more quality time with my baby, she's all I have (aside from obvious immediate family).. she starts school in August so I want to be sure I am there for her and set a good example. So.. I guess this is all my business out in the open.. and the funny thing is, it feels great to say it and know someone may read it. So here's to finding peace within and living life the way I know I should, the way I was raised, and being the best mom I can be and raising my kid to know peace with God too.

Goodnight!

mirrors

Do you ever just stare in the mirror long enough that everything just becomes blurry and you can't quite make out what you are seeing or why it looks that way?

What is love?

So earlier my mom and I were sitting in the living room and I was telling her what Lily told me last night that really made my heart melt. She came and crawled in bed and got in my lap and gave me the biggest hug and told me I was the best mommy in the whole world and she loved me more than anything. So, my mom looks at Lily and tells her that she was so sweet to tell her mommy that and then asked her what she thought love meant. Lily looked up with the biggest smile and said that Love was when you take care of eachother, then she ran and gave us big hugs and said she loved us both so much. Its funny, sometimes I think she knows when I am sad or down, and she knows the perfect things to do or say to make me realize how lucky I am to have such an amazing daughter.

weeds

Sometimes its hard not to be jealous of others and of what you don't have. I know I have a lot and I shouldn't complain, but sometimes all I can do is focus on the things I haven't accomplished or attained and I wonder if I ever will, everyone else seems to have. Maybe I focus too much on what I don't have in my life that I would like and in return that just pushes it further from my grasp. Everyone else just seems so much happier and fullfilled sometimes, and I know that the grass isn't always greener on the other side, but, when you feel like your grass is nothing but a bunch of weeds and dirt anything else looks a lot better. It makes me sad when people always ask me why I am not married, or if I am seeing anyone, and the answer is always no, or maybe someday, or haven't met the right one. Maybe I am just destined to be alone, just me and Lily, and maybe that is okay but it sucks because I see my family and friends all having these beautiful babies and I wonder if I will ever get to enjoy that again. I know Lily would love a sibling, in the mean time I just have to keep her occupied at Disneyland since thats her new found obsession. I am trying to turn things around, I enrolled back in school and hope to finish that in the next 4 years, things should be better then, at least maybe I can by a house so Lily has an actual backyard to play in and maybe I can get a spare bedroom so mom has a bed instead of the couch (sad I know). Even worse I turn 28 this year and I am starting to feel really old and Lily starts kindergarten soon and she's already needing me less and less. This dark cloud thats been lingering over my head the last year needs to go away....

I guess all I can do is try and breathe and take life one day at a time, but, no matter how much I tell myself things will get better it doesn't ever seem to truly feel realistic.

confusion..

Life has been weird lately.. I don't get it, but I guess I never will but I was hoping that this would be a much better year for me. I am at a point where I just don't care anymore, it is what it is and I can only truly accept that I'll never really understand or know the answers. Maybe there is some comfort in that, or maybe not.....

National Museum day!

San Bernardino Museum 5/2/10

Who knew they had National Museum day.. and who knew it was going to turn out to be totally awesome. The first sunday of the month the San Bernardino museum is free to get into, its not expensive to go otherwise, $8 for adults and $6 for kids I think, but, let's face it, that place hasn't changed since I was little and probably way before that too so taking advantage of free day is the way to go! Lily has a kick looking at mammal hall and all the bugs they have in the kids area in the back, so its definitely worth the few bucks once in a while. Today they had all sort of activities for the kids. There was music, bbq and dancing for entertainment and all sorts of arts and crafts, including people making balloon animals and cool chalk art on the cement (Lily wasnt really feeling that). Lily got a Thomas the Train book (complete with audio cd) and was able to silk screen her own t-shirt. She got a pencil with a brain eraser which she has been excited about all day long.. only my kid would be stoked on a brain eraser.. haha!

She chose the chihuahuas for her tshirt.

Making a sock puppet, which is currently named Oobi, and which I was just able to take off of her because she just fell asleep.. what time is it anyways....

say Hello to Oobi!

Did I mention she wore that sock almost all day long..

Touching a lizard.. it was pretty soft.. but not my ideal of a pet thats for sure.

Hers is the artwork to the left with the brown border.. they got to paint the canvas too.

Rail cars

Such a good sunday and a perfect way to end the weekend. The kids got to do so much at the museum, it was really fun. They decorated picture frames too, which Lily covered with about 2 pounds of glitter glue, its lovely and now sitting atop her dresser. I honestly couldnt think of a better person to spend my time with, I hope she always knows how much I love her and love being around her and watching her learn and discover and be Lily. She's quite infectious and anything I can do to make her laugh and smile makes my life that much better. She is the sweetest thing you'll ever meet.

Good night!

Ford Park

Saturday was such a pretty day, aside from a bit of wind and even though my head was hurting like crazy, I decided why stay indoors, time to definitely take advantage of a nice sunny day that wasn't 90 degrees. Lily and I met up with Carla and her son Nathan and went to Ford park, they played on the toys with the other kids there and then we went to see the ducks in the ponds. (sadly.. there was a dead duck floating in the middle.. something I wasn't expecting to have to explain to the kids.. oops!). We went on a treasure hunt to look for pine cones and dandelions and bugs, the kids found huge sticks and decided to stick them in the water and look for fish, no luck there, but they did think a rock was a turtle which was pretty cute! All in all it was a nice day.. Lily had fun and played really hard, she didnt even cry when it was time to come home like she usually would. Sunday was fun too.. more pics later of the museum outing!

I guess I should invest in some longers t-shirts.. oops..

Such a good weekend with my favorite person in the whole world!